Well I have successfully completed my first year in the University of Kentucky doctoral program. I wish I could say that it was easy or that I think the next few years will be a breeze. Because it wasn’t, and they won’t be. I have learned quite a few things along the way. Some things are very practical (skills and to-dos) and others are a little obtuse, for me (like emotions). Some of these things are lessons I’ve learned and others read like resolutions, promises to the future. This is because although I have learned many things I still struggle with making these things reality.
I’ve learned that my Master’s program prepared me very little for the rigors of doctoral studies. I have learned how demanding this, and probably most, doctoral program is and that I cannot rest and be confident in my ability to “coast” through. There was certainly no coasting and I enter my second year with a bit of trepidation. I will still have a full course load, still work as a research assistant, still teaching, but will also be reading/studying for my qualifying exams and writing my dissertation research proposal. It’s hard to imagine exactly how much harder this year will be, but it is guaranteed to be even more challenging.
I’ve also learned that a demanding graduate program can be very isolating. Moving to a new city, hours away from family and friends, is both an exhilarating and depressing experience. Of course, I’ve moved around a lot and haven’t lived near family in 11 years, but the pressures of graduate school are more intense than those I’ve faced before. (And it’s a tall order to beat the time I had to find an apartment in Scotland within two weeks without ever having been there before!) Demanding work and school schedules coupled with hours upon hours of studying and trying to grasp abstract theoretical concepts left no time to socialize, release anxiety, exercise, or eat well. Through this process I’ve also learned exactly how much my metabolism has slowed since I reached *certain age*. I’ve learned to feel very thankful for the things I now have in my life. I have grad school friends; some old, some new; I have my loving boyfriend here with me now; and I have a much better understanding of what I need to do to take care of myself; emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
I have learned that although I worry about everything, I am often capable of completing the task set before me. Sometimes the work is satisfactory to all, but much more often I am my own worst critic. I think I am capable of so much more that what I actually produce; am frequently disappointed in myself. However, this view is not as frequently shared by others, who often compliment my talent. I’ve learned that I am actually good at some things and others will tell me when I’m not. Not usually in a mean-spirited way but as thoughtful criticism to make me better, work harder, be stronger. No one is singing my praises unless they actually believe them. I need to believe them too.
Related to the third lesson, I’ve also learned that I am not always going to please everybody. Sometimes I don’t get it right the first time, second time, or maybe after many more tries. That I’m not perfect shouldn’t be a surprise to me but it does always come as a huge wave of disappointment. School is a learning process and everyone learns differently; at different rates and in different ways. Sometimes things I do or say are meant with the best intentions but come out wrong or are taken the wrong way. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay if someone just doesn’t like me. I have to accept that and get on with my life.
I’ve learned that it is important to make time to relax. I have been doing a lot of that this summer, in fact I may be past relaxed and in the territory of boredom. However, I needed this summer as a time to recharge because this next year promises to be grueling. Despite the pressures of deadlines and trying to “sound smart” or be the best in class, I will be taking more time this year to do things that take my mind of school. I will not feel guilty for reading a non-school book for pleasure. I will not feel bad about taking an hour or two to go to the gym. I will spend time with my friends. And, most importantly, I will take time for my boyfriend who so devotedly moved to Lexington to be with me and help me through these challenging times. I will not be dead-weight; I will work on this relationship as hard as he is/does/has.
Lastly, I have learned that although I have never been super close with my family, there is no time like the present to forge new bonds and relationships. I will stay in more regular contact with those who still love me even though they are too far away for me to see it. I will make more telephone calls instead of hoping people are reading my facebook page. Of course, I know that’s not even the best way to keep up with my doings since I post things like, “check on this article on deficit spending!” and “I had toast for breakfast.” Actually, I’ve never posted that second one but the point is that there are very few useful updates posted to facebook and so I’ve come to realize it is no substitute for actual conversation. I’ve learned that it is very selfish to hunker down into my studies so much and that others can help me in many ways if I just make the time.
I also promise to blog more often. For me, the internet has always been a place to share exciting new research that I’ve come across and am thinking about how to utilize in my own work. But blogging can be a way for me to talk about other things besides nerdy research stuff, besides, don’t I do enough of that all day long at school/work? Maybe I’ll divide up my webpage blog into a professional space and a personal space ….. More to come ….